The Soul Handbook

The SOUL Handbook is a compilation of advice and other information that is to be kept in mind while on the job and quoted at their whim. It is a binder like a journal that requires a print to be able to open.

No other branches have the security clearance to read this book for themselves.

Chapter One: General Information
Chapter Two: Paperwork
Chapter Three: Weapons Knowlege
Chapter Four: About Researchers
Chapter Five: Mission Notes
Chapter Six: About Family Lines

There are rules that apply to more than one category. The numbers in this case will be the same to keep the quoting of this guide simple and easy to remember.

Chapter One: General Knowlege

1: One must not refer to the president as Mr. Ass. This privilege is reserved specifically for SOUL operatives at the risk of our jobs.

2: As a rookie, you can and will be pranked for the amusement of the seniors. Keep in mind that one day you will be replaced and you can join in on the pranking.

3: Hiring a lap dancer for the president does not boost morale. (We get it taken out of our paychecks)

13: Cannot cast haste on the president during a long-winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.

4: Vacations usually end up being at the same resort as a high ranking Kinuko Employee, or babysitting company assets. You can expect paperwork due when you get back to the office.

15: Days off are elusive. If you happen to have one, expect something to go wrong. Be sure to comment on paperwork somewhere if anyone is within earshot.

36: We are soul. Its all overtime, its all hazard pay. And Vacations are stuck somewhere between Atlantis and the tooth faerie. You hear of it, you might believe in it. Good luck ever seeing it.
(Veronica) I hear that when the illusion does come up, it's best described as babysitting in a bikini.

75: We are ALWAYS on the clock, except for critical moments when we are on break.

26. There is no such thing as Soul-proof.

21. The chocobo have codenames. Beware of them.
21.1 Edit: What part of "Cloud Scraper" was not understood? (San's writing)

22. NO NOT EVER touch Warrior or Guardian Golds. Ever.... Everrrrrrrrrrr.....

27: Threatening to or shooting your significant other on their birthday is considered bad manners.
27.1 Edit: Unless it has some kind of symbolic meaning for you two. As we believe will be the case in San's possible marriage. (Kris' Handwriting)
27.2 Edit of Edit 27.5: Rookies commenting on guns and marriage set themselves up for target practice. (San's handwriting)

28: If you took time to debate which limb or organ to shoot, it is NOT considered an accident.

32: You do not get a bonus if you bring in the idiot that keeps asking for miniskirts.

33: Miniskirts arent happening either
Edit: ... unless the guys are required to wear it too (old elegant handwriting)
No way!! (another equally old masculine hand)

37: "Casual Fridays" will never happen. You WILL fail to inspire terror in blue jeans and a Hello Kitty tee.

41: The top three WORST times to laugh:
1: At the funeral that you are in attendance when the speaker say they shall be missed
2: When your sister, friend, or spouse is in childbirth
3: When someone has a gun to your head

49: Peepers are blinded, dipped in tobasco sauce, and hung from the kinuko flag pole.

50: Never tell your trainer that you have never done something that could potentially bite you in the ass.

140: Pay attention to what is not said as well as what is said.
Example: Mr. Kinuko said to not HIT the researcher that annoyed you. He didn't say anything about not scaring him with the throw. (Gadget)

145: There is a reason they call them Board Meetings. They meet and you are the bored one. (Gadget)

172: No asking a partner about hotel rates!

249: If there isn't a word for something, make one up. (San's Handwriting)

250: How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook, neither is how to serve Ifrit.

251: Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze Yoshiro

252: Yes San, bring him back intact implies you are not allowed to play pin the bullets on his appendix!
(penned in side note) He said intact! Not BREATHING

Chapter Two: Paperwork

39: If there is a Klosef on your team, expect to have 20 to 70% more paperwork as other teams.

5: Even when cutting each other a break, there is a ton of paperwork.

6: Paperwork is a daily part of our job.

7: Every mission that we go on, we are expected to make a sarcastic comment about the paperwork involved.

8: It is required by this handbook that whenever your concerned about the welfare of your partner, you must blame it on the paperwork involved.

23: Know every plausible alibi. Stick with the ones that will work.

24. If you have no alabi, have someone to blame.

25. Researchers, grunts, pr departments , and wutaian insurgents tend to make a ready supply of scapegoats.

35: If its wutai, you will have paperwork.

141: Loopholes are your friend.

253: Reminder: Loopholes are your best friend! Paperwork is not!

Chapter Three: Weapons Knowlege

* Several Rules will also be seen in Family Lines.

9: Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.

34: If all else fails, blow it to smithereens!

38: Try to keep the big guns and the Klosef away from eachother? Just accept the fultility of your idea and get out of the way.


43: DO NOT TOUCH a bloodsouls gunblade without permission

44: Use brings about wear, tear and rust
Addition: Never. Leave. One. Out. In the Open. Again.

45: Do not apply grease, superglue, or any other agent to a blood-Souls Gunblade.
45.1: You will die (Sanura's handwriting)

46: Bloodsouls are worse than Gollum and the Ring about their gunblades. Seriously. Scuff it and they...will...KILL...you

47: They may kill you if you snicker and refer to the gunblade as "their preciousssssssss' in a high raspy whisper.

48: Are we clear on leaving the gunblades alone yet?

52: Always know where to hide a body.
52.1: Especially if they touch your gunblade.

142: Do Not touch a blood soul in the kloseff bloodline's gunblade, becaseu teh ywill make you WISH you were dead

71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a Kinuko Baton.

73. Not allowed to name my Baton Ceremonial Wutai Whoopass Stick.

81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.

Chapter Four: About Researchers!


14: Though highly educational, no more slipping the scientist truth serum.



16: Replacing the researcher your in charge of guarding's hair with Nair may be funny, but they will never appreciate the humor.

17: The president isn't amused either.

18. Volunteering to be a research Guinea pig in the Sim rooms is considered a BAD idea.

19. For that matter, Volunteering in general is considered a BAD idea.

20. Yoshiro will outlive you. Deal with the cockroach as best you can.
20.1 Edit: Scratch that.


29. Shooting any member of the research department not pre-authorized by the president is HIGHLY frowned upon in this establishment.

30. Putting gorilla glue on the Mako fusions control handles is also Highly frowned upon in this establishment.

58: Suprise testing is rarely a good thing. Keep on your guard and remember that shooting the scientist is frowned upon in this establishment.

31. Sticking a reasearcher who used you as a Guennea pig into a fusion chamber is EXTREMELY frowned upon in this establishment.

125: They are not 'expendable' annoyances until the president says so...

126: Oh and dont randomly shoot at the scientists to motivate them. We tried that. It spooks them for weeks and they dont get anything done.

Chapter Five: Mission Notes

120: Souls are authorized to use any means available to complete their missions
Note: Souls are not permissed to use shiva, ifirit, bahamet, phoenix, or any other summon to compensate for heating and cooling problems.
Sandras handwriting: It was HOT!!

54: Blood souls know how to hold grudges without affecting their mission success ratings...

10 Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.

11: and as a Soul, you never SHOULD panic. Looks bad on the paperwork.

12: Warnings given retroactively in battle aren't appreciated.

138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
Edit: Try telling that to a Klosseff.

159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.

Chapter Six: About Family Lines

1 There is no such thing as Kloseff-proof.

2 Do not tease the Pockets

3 When in contact with angry pockets lay on ground and play dead until they lose interest.

4 Dangerous to provoke Pockets during hibernation. Caffiene is an essential tribute to avoid mauling

5 Never ever come between a Pocket and her young

6 Sick, wounded and/or pregnant pockets are extremely dangerous and to be handled with caution

7: If you are the father to said pregnant pockets, prepare to be a pillow one moment and a pin cushion the next.

note: come to think of it simply apply all interactions with wild predators to the dealing of Klosseffs

8 Same with Rousseau.


40: Try to not get Klosef and Rousseau females plotting together against you. IT WILL NOT END WELL.

42: If the woman in labor is a Kloseff or a Rousseau, danger is doubled. Expect guns.

53: (in shakey handwriting) Some Souls have Authority and/or ability to turn off the safty features on the sim room.... Always always ALWAYS try to keep in good graces of other team mates...

55: Soul Rangers are a great way to bond with your children. Never forget this.
Extended This of course can backfire. Purposefully giving all children chickpox at same time can create suspicion of Wutai allegances. (San's)

56. If training the young fails, arrange secret training play-dates.
56.1 (Avril Rosseau) Bubbles do wonders for water training